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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

(2 scars | watch me bleed)

Subject:at taimi's...
Time:8:00 pm.
Mood: bored.
I am on the laptop at Taimi's house, while she is talking to this guy she met ( I guess she'd been talking to him online for a while). Ryan is home, being bored I supose. I am so bored... bah. La la la la la la la... I talked to Michelle today- she thinks her mom might be pregnant! ::get nauseous:: Now that's just wrong. Well, I have nothing else to say. Nothing much has happened at all. I have been staying home, doing nothing. Adios.

Thursday, December 25th, 2003

(1 scar | watch me bleed)

Subject:Year End Survey
Time:7:53 pm.
Mood: naughty.
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
go to the bars (legally)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No, because I can never keep them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my cousin

4. Did anyone close to you die?
nope

5. What countries did you visit?
None

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
be happy

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Halloween; the day i got married to Ryan =)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting my license, and passing my phlebotomy class, while keeping good grades in school

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting my license the first time around

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
had a ladder go out from under me and then fell on top of me a week ago...

11. What was the best thing you bought?
oh man... I bought a lot of kick ass stuff....

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
????

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
the majority of everyone I know.

14. Where did most of your money go?
rent and bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
marrying Ryan; becoming pregnant.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
anything off of Permission to Land by The Darkness

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
happier

ii. thinner or fatter?
thinner

iii. richer or poorer?
richer (but definitely not rich)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
lose weight

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
fight with my family

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
here in Danvers

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
I certainly did- and I married him.

23. How many one-night stands?
a few

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Passions, South Park

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yep

26. What was the best book you read?
some Anne Rice books

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Darkness

28. What did you want and get?
a PS2

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Finding Nemo probably, since I didn't see any others that came out this year. I am always way behind in movies.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
21; drank at my house and went to the bars a week later with Monica and got hammered.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
having more money and Rachel.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
since I got thinner I would say tighter shirts and bell bottom bondage pants or guys pants.

34. What kept you sane?
Music and Ryan- oh and writing.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
...so hard... but I would love to bang Ashton Kutcher

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The war in Iraq. It was all bullshit; fighting for no fucking reason except oil. Bush has no clue what he is doing.

37. Who did you miss?
Rachel; Betsy

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Ryan

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
...I am not so good at these type of questions

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
can't think of one now... maybe that'll change later.

(4 scars | watch me bleed)

Time:7:28 pm.
Mood: horny.
Merry Fucking Christmas. Pleh. Here I am, stuck in Mass with Ryan and his family and all I wanna do is go home. I have been so goddamn tired all day; falling asleep and having Ryan's dad get all pissed off at me. He is such a dick- nothing new though, right?

We got a total of $175 for Christmas money- we are going to put it towards a new mattress, which we are hopefully getting next Friday after I get my paycheck, and Ryan gets his. The springs on the mattress that we have now are poking through, stabbing us while we sleep. Not too damn pleasant, huh? And sex- that's just not good when you have a spring poking your knee/ass/elbow/tit or whatever. No good. So we are gonna get a new one that is nice and comfy and break it in ::wink::

God, I bought the CD Permission to Land by The Darkness about a week ago, and Ryan and I can't stop listening to it- I even got Michelle to download some songs- Ha Ha Shelly. It's only fucking 7:30, and we aren't leaving till at least 8:00- I have to work at 11 tomorrow- I want to have time to go home and have some fun with Ryan =D and play my new PS2 games.

We spent last night over at my parents' house, and they ordered Chinese- mmmmm terryaki chicken. I have been craving that so badly. Hmmm... where 'for art thou Ryan? Booooooooooooooored. I wish Betsy would talk to me... I miss her. Rachel too. ::sigh::

I have done much lately since finding out I was pregnant- except the fact that a ladder fell on me at work, and I am leaving there (only a bout a week before the end of the season anyways). I think I am just going to take it easy this pregnancy. I am just so paranoid that something is going to go wrong- I am off my klonopin, and my anxiety is through the roof.

I guess I have not much else to say- Ryan is trying to ravage me or give my baby a seizure; I'm not sure which.

Friday, December 12th, 2003

(watch me bleed)

Time:1:06 pm.
Mood: indifferent.
Well, there's not a lot to say, but I figured I'd update anyways. I finally got my first script of klonopin since fucking Jeff stole my script. Me so haaaaaaaaapy =) Ryan and I barely made rent this month- Christmas is so expensive. His aunt wants us to go to Mass for Christmas day, but I don't know. I may just tell him to go ahead and go himself, and I will stay home. I don't think I can deal with his parents all day, especially the couple hours there and back that we will be stuck in a car with them, driving. I hate them; I hate them so bad. I have to close tonight and Ryan has the day off- it figures. ::whines:: I don't *want* to close. Ryan has had to donate plasma this week because we are so poor. ::sigh:: I hate being poor. hate it, hate it, hate it. FUCK- I forgot to set the VCR to record my soaps. =( Bus comes in 10 minutes for me to go to work; I guess I should go now.

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

(watch me bleed)

Subject:it's all over....
Time:4:15 pm.
Mood:heartbroken.
I talked to my lawyer today... I am losing my kid. That's it. I really have no chance in hell of getting her back... and the back-up date is probably going through- which means instead of court in February, I have to go to court on the 16th. She all but told me I might as well sign over my rights. She also said that if I voluntarily sign over my rights, it will look better for me if I decide to have another child. I just don't know what to do- I don't know if I can live with myself, knowing that I didn't do all I could do; knowing that I gave up. Will this empty space in my heart ever feel full again? What do I do? I called my mom and asked her to meet me to talk to me- I have to meet her at five at Hannaford intown. I took some speed which is *not* helping my anxiety. I don't know if talking to my mother will help, but I supose it can't hurt, right? I just need some advice. Rachel is the world to me. I think even my lawyer felt bad for me.

Saturday, November 29th, 2003

(3 scars | watch me bleed)

Time:10:59 am.
Mood: bored.
So, not much to say... I saw Angela yesterday and she gave me a ride to work. Work is fun, and kind of boring sometimes... they have so many damn people working. They sent me home early yesterday. I just hope I am on register today so that I am not as bored. And I will scream if they try to send me home early. I need the money really badly. I got a really cute coat from there that is reversible and I picked Ryan up a few Christmas presents yesterday.

I have to work in about an hour. ::sigh:: figures I have to work today and Ryan has to work tomorrow. ::shakes fist:: damn the conflicting schedules!

I guess that's all- not much has been going on. We put up our Christmas tree on Thursday while dinner was cooking. Well, guess I am off to work. Adios.

Tuesday, November 25th, 2003

(2 scars | watch me bleed)

Time:2:17 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
Well, I got a new job- for the season at least. I am working at Hot Topic ::does a dance:: 40% off- I am so excited. And I can wear anything I want to work =) Nothing else much has been happening... Ryan had a lil mini vacation last week because he called out of work two days in a row since he kept passing out, and had two days off. I had to go to the DMV... I'm telling you, that place is definitely Satan's Asshole just like Dane Cook says. I was there for a fucking hour, and then the lady couldn't even do my fucking name change... she was 'training'. ::sigh::

::thinks:: I don't know what else to type... nothing has really happened. I can't sleep worth shit- I have been up all night long lately. I am lucky if I am asleep by 3 am- and I have to work at 8 am tomorrow. Good thing I like my job. I talked to Angela not too long ago and she is coming up for Thanksgiving this week, so I should see her.

I guess that's it... not much else to write. To all of you who said that things between me and Ryan would collapse, fuck off, because we are doing better than ever. =)

Friday, November 21st, 2003

(watch me bleed)

Time:4:43 pm.
Mood: embarrassed.
brrrr cold. I went to the mall with Shell the other day (we took lil Emma- she's so cute) and got hairdye, but I need more =( I have technicolor dream hair Michelle, ad it's all your fault for not helping me!!!! ::whines:: I don't wanna be out in public like this!

Monday, November 17th, 2003

(1 scar | watch me bleed)

Time:6:45 pm.
Mood: disappointed.
So, Michelle calls me today and guess what? Shawn's back in jail. ::shakes head:: I saw it coming. Thank god I moved away from *that* freight train. I love him to death but DAMN! I would be pulling my teeth out right now. And guess who's to blame?? Michelle Perkins, of course. I just can't concern myself with it. But you know what? At least Jo-Ann can't blame this one on me.

(watch me bleed)

Time:1:57 pm.
Mood: enraged.
So, I just had a job interview at Hot Topic. There were fucking six of us at the interview and she has like 5 more group interviews this week (not to count the ones she already did), and is only hiring six more people. So I am not overly optimistic. But I tried.

Shawn came over my house not long after he got out of jail- with Michelle. I guess he has a girlfriend now that is in the Pre-Release Center at the jail (great place to meet a girlfriend ::pfft::), and he didn't even tell me- Michelle did. But whatever, I just want him to be happy with someone like I am. I went Christmas shopping while at the mall and bouht Ryan a few small things (we are so fucking broke it's not funny), so I have to go home and hide those.

Yep, so the other night my script of k-pins turns up missing andJeff was the only one over the house. We *tore* that fucking thing apart, and they are not there. Which means Jeff fucking took them. Very out of character for him, but what else are we supossed to think? We even looked in places like the trash, incase they fell in. They are *not* in that fucking house. I just had them filled, had to *pay* for them, and now I can't get any more for another month. So we told Jeff that we ere keeping his fucking PS2 and all the games, since he obviously took them. Like Taimi said, if he didn't take them, he'd be over helping us look for them, to prove he didn't do it. So whatever; we have a DVD player and a PS2 now... at the expense of me being all anxiety-ridden for another month and the $50 I spent on the meds.



Yeah, so some fucker actually took the time to look down through my entries, to find one that I *backdated* and anonymously leave an ignorant comment about how I am a 'druggie mental case', and that Ryan is just as fucked up as I am, blah blah blah. They didn't even have the balls to say it to my face. I love how people fucking do that shit; they have to leave anonymous comments because they don't fucking dare to leave a name or say it to my face. None of it is true in the first place, and second, whoever said that deserves a fucking *punch* in the face. FUCK that shit. I'm out.

(1 scar | watch me bleed)

Time:1:56 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
I hate stupid fucking ignorant people who leave comments in my lj and can't even leave their name... talking shit about things they don't even know.

Tuesday, November 11th, 2003

(watch me bleed)

Time:12:14 pm.
Mood: okay.
yep, so I'm out looking for a job. Fuck Hannaford. I fucking quit last night. I was just like, NOPE! SO I am at Jeff's house and we are going job hunting. Fun fun! I am going to try to be an egg donor. You can get so much money, but the screening process is incredible. Well, I'm out. Adios.

Friday, November 7th, 2003

(2 scars | watch me bleed)

Subject:Pissed the fuck off
Time:10:50 am.
Mood: pissed off.
::growls:: I fucking hate Hannford so much; I am so fucking quitting. I am a cashier today, so I go in today at 9, get my fucking till, and I am told that I am service clerking for 2 hours of my shift- which means doing fucking bottles, and bringing in carts (which is the first thing they made me do; took me a half an hour and fucking *killed* my back). So I come back in, do some bagging for a few customers, and then I get called to Carol's office (who is the HR manager). In the office was her, and the store manager. He's like, 'what did you say to the shiftleader when she told you that you were service clerk-ing?' And I was like, 'I said it was bullshit, because it is not my job- I am a cashier.' And he's like, 'we all have to do things that aren't part of their job, and insubordination in inacceptable.' I was like, 'what the hell, I did it; I went and got all the carts and fucking killed my back, so I wasn't insubordinate- I did what I was asked to do.' And he was like, 'well, talking back like that is insubordination; you're suspended- you can go clock out and go home.' So I was like, 'for how long?' and he's like, 'well when do you work next?' and I was like, 'tomorrow at three' and he goes, 'Well call tonight around 5 and I'll let you know if you are working.' I was so fucking pissed (especially because I was all speeding and shit), and I was like, whatever, and I left. I was so goddamn pissed that I started crying; which pissed me off even more that I was crying. So here I am, at the fucking library. I'll tell you right now; they don't let me work tomorrow, I am going in there and quitting Half Baked-style. I am gonna be like, 'Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you are all assholes and I fucking quit.' And I am going to walk out. ::screams:: ARGH!


In better news, Ryan and I got married on Friday; it was great; he looked so hot in his tux with the red shirt and I think I looked pretty damn good myself. The only thing is that we don't know if the pictures developed; we are afraid that the roll of film didn't advance. I will be so pissed. I have to go try and pick it up today; which I will do when I leave the library. I am getting my engagement ring next week (we had to put it on layaway because of the wedding). It is a saphirre set in white gold with two small diamonds. It is so beautiful. I didn't really care if I got an engagement ring, but Ryan was dead set on getting me one. He felt so bad that he couldn't get me one before the wedding. But it's not all about rings; it's all abotu us loving each other. =)

*OH* and fucking TJ (this girl that I *was* really good friends with intown), is fucking talking shit about me! Ryan saw her at work, and I'll tell you, she is lucky that he was in his fucking uniform, because knowing him, he would have stabbed her. He was so pissed off. I am so pissed off. Where does she get off talking shit like that about me, saying that she can't believe he married me, and Michelle is all talking shit, telling people about the whole me and Adam thing (that happened months ago), so Tj was all like, 'eh I can't believe you married her, after you caught her cheating on you Adam Black.' Had he not had to go inside because his break was over... who knows.

Well, I really have nothing else to say, because I think I have said plenty. All I've really done lately is fucking work (which it looks like I won't be doing any more of anytime soon!). What the fuck ever.

(watch me bleed)

Subject:Salvia and stuff....
Time:11:14 am.
Mood: pissed off.
So I smoked some salvia- the base stuff, plus some 5x enhancer the last two nights in a row. I didn't get as much off of it (as far as hallucinations) as everyone else did, but it definitely fucked me up. I felt like my head was a helium balloon, rising above me, and when I was sleeping, it was like I was watching myself from above my body. Weird huh?

My husband got off on it wicked bad- the next day, he had to take a GED pretest and he saw this zombie from 28 Days Later stradling the chair in from of him, yelling all the wrong answers at him. After first doing it, my friend saw the room full of eyeballs. I swear, I have a high drug tolerence to fucking everything; even shit I have never done. It took my 6 hits of crack to even feel anything my first time, and my ex and his friend were all fucked up. I hate my body.

Monday, October 27th, 2003

(5 scars | watch me bleed)

Time:1:36 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Not much time, and not much to say. Appropriate I guess. I have to work at 2:00. ugh. Last night I could *not* sleep. I got myself all upset; Ryan woke up cuz I was crying and he just laid there with me until I fell asleep- which ended up being like 5 am. ::sigh:: This just sucks. But our wedding is Friday! I am so excited and filled with dread at the same time. I just have this horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen and prevent us from getting married. Ryan has done all he can to assuage my fears; but I don't think anyone can make me feel better until after we are married.

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

(10 scars | watch me bleed)

Time:12:39 pm.
Mood: excited.
Yep, so Ryan and I are *definitely* getting married on Halloween- I have my dressCollapse ) and everything! =) I am so happy and excited! Our parents are unsupportive, as well as some of our friends, but fuck it. We don't care. Fuck anyone who doesn't support us. I am so sick of hearing, "Why are you getting married?" Why do most people get married? What a stupid fucking question. Well the dumbass computer is gonna kick me off, so I gotta boot.

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

(4 scars | watch me bleed)

Time:6:43 pm.
Mood: enraged.
fucking stupid cunts at the library can fucking DIE. This bitch next to me is saying I am 'the rudest person I've ever met'. Obviously she doesn't get around much. I am ready to fucking punch the bitch next to me in goddamn face. She went and complained to the damn librarian. What is this? Fucking second grade? Jesus fucking christ!

Ryan and I are hoping to get married on Halloween! I am so excited! In other news, Becca is being a big fat stupid cunt but what else is new. She wants to not support me, then whatever.

Not much else has happened except that work sucks big balls. I guess I am going to go now, leaving with a big fuck you to all you assholes that fuck with me, don't support what I am doing, or anything else.

Thursday, October 2nd, 2003

(2 scars | watch me bleed)

Time:8:51 pm.
Mood: shocked.
oh and another thing- Ryan wants to get married =-o

(watch me bleed)

Time:8:39 pm.
Mood: irritated.
Tisha is having her baby!!!! I am at the hospital but it looks like it's gonna be a while so I am coming back tomorrow.

My manager is a fucking CUNT. I was sick today and I wanted to go home- I came in for a little while to see if I could find anyone else to cover my shift, and I couldn't, so she made me stay. She was like, "you know you only have 30 days to prove yourself, and I could let you go if I think you aren't going to work out. I would be working my butt off if I were you to prove yourself to me." I was like, "what the fuck, I came in 2 1/2 hours early on Sunday, I came in on Monday when I had the day off- and you can't even let me go home sick!" Then it pissed me off because I talked to Ryan in the parking lot about going to Walmart (he was going, not me) and she spied on our conversation! She's like, "I know you want to go to Walmart with Ryan- I heard you guys talking." And I was like, "what the fuck, I was talking to Ryan about him going to Walmart- I want to go home and go to bed!" Anyways, I was so pissed I started to cry... she's like, "and I know you need this job..." Fucking cunt. FUCKING CUNT.

Ok anyways I am going to go home and get drunk now because I am in a raunchy mood.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

(watch me bleed)

Time:2:01 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
I am so pissed. I came onto lj to get some shit done; type a few things I had written down, and do some other things online. What do I do? I leave the fucking papers at home. I am just... arghhhhhhhh. I went to see my doctor today, and they are trying me on a new type of med- imiprimine. Here we go again with a new med.

Well since I have nothing else to say, here I leave you with some quotes from a George Carlin book:


"I enjoy young people because they're really fucked up and have no clue what they're doing. I like that. I support all fucked up people, regardless of age."

"you know what would be great? To be in a coma. You're still alive, but you have no responsibilities.
'he owes me six thousand dollars.'
'he's in a coma.'
'oh, okay, never mind.'"

LiveJournal for Alisha.

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